During the holiday season, anxiety and depression for those who are grieving grows! I remember the dread I felt for the first few years after my parents died…there was a hole in my heart and our holidays, and I didn’t know how to fill it up.
As the years have passed, I have found the lighter side of grief. I started by trying strategies…hoping that something might work to alleviate my sadness and exhaustion. Hoping that I could bring the joy back into our family celebrations. Here is what worked for me and my family:
Grief Strategy #1: Plan Ahead
Create a Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is your original plan. Maybe it’s hosting Thanksgiving dinner for your family. Or, taking your favorite dish to a family dinner. Often, spending the holiday with your family can inspire memories and stories which can be healing for all when shared.
Feel free to limit your time visiting. If you are typically the one who hosts dinner, delegate it out to another family member for this year. This allows you to stay as long as you are able and then return home to a quiet space. Gauge your energy and allow it to guide you.
If you really feel that you just cannot “do” the holidays, take a rain check this year (Plan B). Honor yourself and your grief by doing what feels right for you! Maybe you choose to spend a quiet day at home…watch a movie, read a book, serve others by volunteering, or write a letter…
If you have children, make sure you check-in with them. Abruptly ending a holiday can be traumatic for kids, especially if they don’t understand. Even children as young as 4 or 5 years of age can chime in on ideas on how to spend the holidays. In fact, children are very insightful and quite profound when it comes to matters of the heart! Be open to their suggestions…infuse them into the holiday. This might mean staying home and making a small meal for your immediate family or eating popcorn and watching a movie.
No matter how you choose to face this holiday season, it’s okay! It really is okay! This is the time to suspend all guilt and judgment around your decisions for the holidays. Part of the healing process is to honor yourself and the feelings that you have in the moment you are having them.
Grief Strategy #2: Infuse your loved one into your holiday: Honoring their absence with presence.
If you are in your first year of grief, I know this can be challenging! If you are up to stretching yourself and trusting in the process, honoring the absence of your loved one can be an incredibly healing experience! Full disclosure…there are going to be tears, and laughter followed by more tears.
Infusing your loved one into your holiday by lighting a candle and adding his or her picture as a placeholder at the dinner table can create a beautiful setting for memories, stories, and shared gratitude.
Cook your mother’s favorite dish or watch your father’s favorite football team. Maybe you have a tradition of watching the Macy’s Day Parade or It’s a Wonderful Life. And, there is nothing that says you can’t create new holiday traditions in honor of your loved one.
Be as traditional or creative as you need to be to create a space that is inclusive of your loved one’s spirit. After all, it is the love and memories shared that keeps them ever so close to your heart!
Grief Strategy #3: Feel what you feel.
Holidays can naturally feel stressful. Add in a layer or two of grief, and they can feel insurmountable! Holidays for the grieving are filled with contradictory emotions often changing from moment to moment. Sadness, joy, guilt, anger, peaceful, defeated, grateful…sound familiar?
The key is to give yourself permission to feel what you feel in the moment that you feel it.
There will be times that you may feel like you are crazy because you are on an emotional roller coaster! It’s kind of like experiencing Colorado weather…in a span of a day, we can have sunshine, hail, snow, sleet, more sunshine, and even a tornado.
I am also fully aware that you may have moments of happiness or joy immediately followed by guilt. Who are you to experience laughter or smile when you are grieving? Right?
The truth is, feeling happy doesn’t diminish how much you love and miss the person who isn’t with you this holiday.
Don’t feel guilty for the joy you do find this holiday. And, don’t feel guilty for the sorrow you may feel.
Honoring all your feelings will help you survive the holiday season. True story!
Finally, if it all feels too much, listen. Let your heart lead you through the holiday season.
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Grief Strategy #4: Let Perfection Go
Simply put…perfectionism is a stress producer!
If you always have a perfectly decorated tree, perfectly trimmed home, and perfectly wrapped gifts…let it go! Accept that this year may not be perfect.
This also means shedding the image of being perfectly polite…feeling as if you have to accept every invitation extended to you. Let that go, too! Only choose those invitations which are meaningful…where you are fully supported in your grief.
The reality is you may have to simplify the holiday. It’s okay!
After my mother died, I greatly simplified everything about the holiday. As a family, we chose to simplify the decorations, the meal preparation, and the gift giving. Instead, we chose to increase our giving.
We started giving a Christmas Jar (a jar where all of your loose change is placed) and a full meal to a family we knew was struggling. We also selected more tags off the giving tree. We found that giving lightened our hearts! It allowed us to be more fully present (pun intended) with each other, which we all needed…including my dad! This has become our new tradition.
Go easy on yourself! Let go of expectations you have of yourself (and others) this holiday season. Simplifying and allowing yourself to relax greatly reduces stress! And, my guess is that it will be something you carry forward into future holidays.
Grief Strategy #5: Practice Sensational Self-Care
If you are in your first year of grief, chances are you are just trying to survive…using what energy you have to go through the motions of merely existing.
The second year of grief is incredibly difficult…the numbing wears off and you start feeling. Waves intertwined with pockets of grief sneak up out of nowhere and put you into a tailspin! Honestly…it simply kicks your ass!
Self-Care is critical! And, it needs to be sensational!
So, what does sensational self-care look like?
It’s carving out time and space for tears, rest, and doing only what you can do.
On some days it may mean staying in bed and crying. It may mean watching comedies after you have baked your dad’s favorite cookies…eating half of them in one sitting. Perhaps you go for a long walk where you can breathe deeply. Or, you borrow the neighbor kids and take them to a matinee. If you’re a creative, pull out the art supplies and use color to express yourself.
Sensational self-care is purposefully creating a plan to do whatever brings you comfort and allows you the opportunity to have moments of ease, grace, and joy.
Grief Strategy #6: Re-evaluate Your Traditions
When someone we love dies, nothing is the same…everything changes! A new normal takes place and we are resistant to embracing that which we don’t want. Traditions are a constant reminder of all that was and now what isn’t.
Traditions allow us to be connected to those who have gone before us. There is something magical about passing our traditions to our children. It’s how we know where we came from.
The stories, food, and activities passed down to us trigger powerfully mixed emotions when we are in the midst of grief.
Sometimes there is self-induced pressure to honor the traditions perfectly in memory of your mother or father. Many times, moving forward with tradition is too painful because it amplifies the absence of your child or spouse. Guilt even finds its way into the equation around traditions and the holidays.
I believe it’s healthy to re-evaluate your traditions! Who says you can’t create new traditions? Keep what you love about the traditions that have been handed down, and don’t be afraid to add a few new ones that keep the memory of your loved one alive!
Maybe you recite a new prayer at the table, cook your mother’s favorite dish or bake your father’s favorite pie. Perhaps, you make an annual Christmas ornament or donate time or money to a favorite charity in honor of your grandparent.
The ideas are endless! Finding a way to bring your loved a little closer to your heart during the holidays (and every day) helps you navigate the grief journey.
Warning…as you intentionally embrace old or create new traditions, tears will fall. Tears of sorrow. Tears of gratitude, Tears of joy. Tears filled with love. Allow them to flow openly and freely.
Grief Strategy #7: Take People Up on Their Offers.
So many of our friends and colleagues want to help, but don’t know how. In their attempt to offer their help and condolences, they often say “let me know if you need anything.” This is often perceived as a nice platitude, but what if they really mean it?
Honestly, we don’t know how to ask for help the months following the funeral, so we remain isolated in our grief wishing we had someone who understood what we are feeling while wading in the depths of our sorrow.
What would happen if you took them up on their offers?
That’s right…I’m suggesting that you let people help you!
If cooking dinner is too much, ask your family to bring a favorite dish. Delegation is a good skill to develop!
If you don’t have the energy to decorate for Christmas, invite your friends over for a decorating party. Allow their energy to raise your energy.
If it’s too quiet in your house and you can’t stand the silence, call your neighbor over for coffee. Let her know that her presence would make a difference in your day.
Let your friends and community help you through this holiday season. They will be delighted that you asked!
And, if you are aware that someone in your life is grieving, don’t wait to be asked. One of the most meaningful gifts my family received when my mother died was the delivery of a complete Thanksgiving meal! It was the best meal we ever had because of the kindness and love in which it was made and given! Fourteen years later, their generosity moves me so deeply that it brings me to tears!
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This was a guest post by Andrea L’Heureux.
Andrea L’Heureux is a Transitions Coach, Grief Intuitive, and Counselor who specializes in grief, forgiveness, and letting go. Her goal is to help you channel your woundedness into wisdom by finding new meaning in painful experiences. She will teach you how to face heartbreak with compassion, loss with understanding, and disappointment with wisdom. We cannot go back in time and undo what created our pain. However, we do have the power to change what the loss of loved ones, the shock of broken promises, and life’s disappointments mean to us.